


be my mistake

by marvelstans



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dream is a dick, Hurt Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Ending, Sad Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), anyway enjoy this piece of shit, george isnt rlly in it hes just mentioned like twice, no beta we die like men, why am i so mean to sap hes my favorite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:34:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29047737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelstans/pseuds/marvelstans
Summary: sapnap knows something is wrong. he can feel it. something has been wrong between him and dream for months, but sapnap has vigilantly ignored it, pretending that he hasn't noticed the way that dream barely touches him, doesn't hold his hand or kiss him, doesn't wrap his arms around him when he falls asleep like he used to.songfic: be my mistake by the 1975. listen while reading
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 104





	be my mistake

**Author's Note:**

> this work mentions cheating and has descriptions of a sort of 'thought spiral'. 
> 
> tws// cheating, body insecurity, panic attacks, very very brief description of mild self harm (literally digging nails into arm/hand)
> 
> anyway this is a oneshot cos thats all i can write rn sorry enjoy lads

sapnap knows something is wrong. he can feel it. something has been wrong between him and dream for months, but sapnap has vigilantly ignored it, pretending that he hasn't noticed the way that dream barely touches him, doesn't hold his hand or kiss him, doesn't wrap his arms around him when he falls asleep like he used to. 

it's probably his own fault. sapnap knows he's physical, he likes affection, he likes the feeling of being loved. maybe dream isn't the same? maybe he's uncomfortable with all the touching and he doesn't know how to ask sapnap to stop?

he knows that isn't true.

but he doesn't know _what the problem is._ he's tried to talk to dream, tried to fix it. but all he got was anger, and maybe he deserved it.

-

_sapnap lingers in the doorway of dream's study, eyes fixed on the figure of his boyfriend. dream is hunched in his chair, blonde hair falling in his eyes as it escapes the loose bun that sapnap knows must have been in for hours. he isn't sure if dream doesn't see him, or just doesn't care that he's there._

_"dream?" he says quietly, voice uncharacteristically nervous._

_"what?" comes the response, dream's tone cold. he doesn't even look at sapnap as he speaks._

_sapnap wants to cry. "i just- i made you a tea. i wasn't sure when you last had a break, and i was thinking that maybe we could go-"_

_"i don't want tea." why is dream being so mean? he doesn't understand, what did he do?_

_"do- do you wanna go for a walk? we could maybe go to the park like we used to." sapnap stumbles over his words, hands shaking around the mug of tea._

_"nick, i'm busy." dream finally looks at him, green eyes hard as he looks at the other man. "you know i'm busy, i told you not to come in."_

_"y-yeah, i know you did. i just-" i missed you. "can i stay? i'll be quiet." his voice is slightly desperate, and dream must sense it too because he huffs under his breath and pats the bed. sapnap sits down obediently, still clutching the tea._

_he sits there for maybe 10 minutes, before he lands on an idea. he wouldn't be breaking his promise to be quiet, and he'd be helping dream! maybe he'd get a smile, or even a hug!_

_before he can think about it, sapnap is undoing dream's hair and brushing it through gently with his fingers. he untangles the knots carefully, making sure he doesn't pull and hurt dream. there isn't a hairbrush in immediate grabbing distance, so he decides dream will have to do with unbrushed hair. as he is about to pull the hair back into a bun, dream spins around and grabs his wrist, pushing the other man away. "i told you to stop! you're distracting me when i specifically told you i was busy. just leave me alone, for once!"_

_sapnap can hardly move, shocked by the harsh words. he opens his mouth to- apologise? argue? but he's cut off by dream again._

_"just get out."_

_sapnap sleeps on his own that night._

_-_

a small sniffle escapes him, thinking about that night. they hardly spoke nowadays, despite living together and sharing a bed. most days sapnap is asleep (or pretending to sleep) when dream comes to bed. there's some days when dream will come in, thinking sapnap is asleep, and just watch him sleeping.

he thinks dream is crying, those nights. but he doesn't ask, and they don't talk about it in the morning.

it doesn't matter how much sapnap wants to take dream into his arms and hug him until he stops crying, he knows dream doesn't want that.

but the thing is, he isn't sure what it actually is that dream wants. he's tried to work it out, he'd taken his boyfriend on dates to places that once meant something to them, he's tried cooking for him, he's donated in his streams, he just has no idea what he's doing wrong.

is he not enough? 

he probably isn't. it isn't a surprise, he knew sooner or later that dream would tire of him and leave, but he didn't expect it to be this drawn out. 

honestly, he'd rather dream just bit the bullet and dumped him, instead of leaving him in this endless limbo of sleepless nights, both knowing that the other is awake but neither of them speaking, of no contact, no conversations, just-

nothing.

it's as if dream isn't there at all. 

sapnap is losing sleep. he sits at his desk or on their bed, staring out of the window, too drained to cry. he thinks about all their happy memories, trying to etch them into his brain in case it's too late for any new ones to be made.

he thinks it probably is. 

-

_"hi, sleepyhead." dream murmurs into sapnap's ear, strong arms wrapped around the younger man._

_"mm, hi." comes the sleepy response, a small yawn escaping him. "you're awake early."_

_"it's 10am." dream chuckles softly, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "you looked tired, so i didn't wake you."_

_"mm, early. d' we gotta get up?" he buries himself in dream's chest, pressed into his boyfriend. "it's warm..."_

_"no, sweetheart. we don't." dream decides that being in bed with his koala of a boyfriend is better than being an actual adult._

_"good." sapnap forces his eyes open and looks up at dream. "you look pretty." he offers with a soft smile._

_"so do you, my gorgeous boy." dream can't resist, planting a soft kiss on his nose._

_sapnap laughs, hugging dream tighter, head resting on his chest. "i love you."_

_"i love you too."_

-

sapnap doesn't realise he's crying until a tear falls onto his pyjama pants, and he wipes at his face aggressively. "stop being stupid." he tells himself, pinching at his skin. 

dream doesn't love you anymore.

yes, he does. this is a blip.

no, he doesn't. you're being blind, you're too stupid to accept it. he doesn't love you anymore, he probably never did."

no, he did. he did love me. he did- he said he did-

he lied. he lied because you're too clingy. you weren't good enough for him.

he does, he does love me.

when was the last time he told you that?

he pinches harder, screwing his eyes closed. "shut up!"

you know it's true.

"please stop."

face the truth, nick. wake up.

he's sobbing now, not even caring that dream will hear him. he must look a mess, he's given up wiping away the tears and his face is probably really red. "dream-" he gasps out, chest heaving as he cries. he can't breathe, everything around him too much; too loud and too quiet all at the same time. he claws at his ears with shaking hands, desperately trying to get it to stop. 

the last time this happened, dream held him tightly, told him to breathe. in for 7, out for 8. now, he tries valiantly to follow the pattern, but his heart is thumping in his ears and his chest is so tight that he doesn't think he'd be able to breathe out if he tried. 

he flinches hard at a new feeling, spinning around with blurry vision to see dream's hand on his shoulder. without saying a word, dream pulls him into a hug, strong arms anchoring him. sapnap is still sobbing, hands clutching at dream's shirt. "dream-" he repeats, the only thing he seems to be able to say coherently.

"ssh, i'm here." comes the soft whisper, lips pressed against sapnap's hair. "it's okay, it's okay. breathe for me, okay? do you remember how i told you?"

sapnap stays pressed against him until his breathing has slowed down. he's trembling, tears rolling down his cheeks. his hands are still clutching dream, afraid that if he lets go dream will never come back.

the saddest bit is, that's probably true.

he gets control of his tears enough to ask, face still pressed against dream's chest. "do you still love me?" his voice sounds so small. he hates it.

the only indication that dream had heard him is a slight breath in, chest hitching under sapnap's cheek. "do you want me to be honest?" comes the response, after a minute of silence. 

sapnap screws his eyes shut and clutches dream tighter. "no." he sniffles. "but i don't think either of us can keep going like this."

"no. we can't." dream agrees. the next moment, he feels dream's large hands pulling sapnap's arms off of his body, leaving him to wrap his arms pathetically around himself.

dream sits down on the bed, one hand picking at the duvet cover absently. "nick, i- i fucked up." sapnap watches as dream's face changes, guilt written across his eyes. "and i lied about it. i- i just didn't want to hurt you, so i tried to distance myself and make you leave before you found out, and i just didn't want to lose you but i thought this way would be better and i'm sorry, nick, i'm so sorry-"

"dream." sapnap cuts him off quietly. "what did you do?" his voice is soft, but there's a hardness there that scares both him and dream slightly.

"please don't make me say it." dream whispers, and the blonde has never looked smaller than he does right now.

"what did you do." the question is repeated, and in the back of his mind, sapnap wonders vaguely why he isn't crying.

"i-" dream looks up at him with dry eyes. he swallows before speaking.

"i slept with george."

sapnap shuts his eyes, tears threatening to spill if he keeps them open. his hands shake, and he doesn't even register dream's rambling apologies. he can't feel panic rising, which you'd think would be a good thing, but the overwhelming numbness is so much worse. he shakes his head, trying to clear the fog and think straight.

"i knew it." he finally manages, throat aching with unshed tears. "is that why you wouldn't touch me? is that why you were being so distant?" 

dream is crying.

"nick, sapnap, please, i'm so sorry, it didn't mean anything-"

"is that why you were so- so mean? you _wanted_ me to leave? so you didn't have to face up to what you'd done? or was it so you could be with george and not feel guilty?" sapnap's mind is racing, eyes wet with tears. his voice is shaking. "was it me? was i not enough for you?"

dream shakes his head, sobs falling from his lips that sapnap should ignore, but they still tear at his heart. "it's just- you were so-"

"so what, dream."

"so _nervous_ , you kept making excuses to not take off your clothes, and george kissed me first and i just- i couldn't help it!" dream's voice gets louder throughout the sentence, making sapnap flinch. "it had been months, nick! what did you expect me to do?"

"i expected you not to go and fuck george! i expected you to wait, because you _knew_ that i was struggling, you _knew_ about- about him, about what he did! but apparently the fact that i was starving myself to look good for you didn't matter, did it, clay? all that matters to you is getting your dick wet, and i won't stop you."

sapnap knows he's speaking irrationally, but he can't stop. all the anger and hurt and confusion of the last months come pouring out of him, tears streaming down his face.

dream is sobbing.

"that isn't what matters to me, i- i had no idea you were going through that, i would never have, not if i knew, oh my god-"

"you shouldn't have slept with him anyway! it doesn't matter what the circumstances!" nick's hands are shaking. "please go."

"nick, wait-"

"go! please, please, go away, please go away!"

out of the corner of his eye, he sees dream getting closer. "don't touch me!" his voice is shaking, he can tell he sounds pathetic. "don't touch me, or i swear to god, clay- i swear to god, i'll-"

he registers dream's soft 'okay', burying his head in his knees. "please, go away." he gets out, eyes squeezed shut.

when he looks up, dream is gone.

he falls asleep to the sound of his own tears, a small figure in a bed that's far too big for one person.

when he wakes up, there's a note resting on his bedside table. 

_dear nick,_

_i don't really know what to say to you._

_i don't want to say i'm sorry again._

_~~i'm sorry i'm so sorry please im sorry~~ _

_i'm staying with george for a little while._

_i didn't ever intend for it to end like this. to be honest, i thought i would be with you for the rest of our lives._

_i suppose that was a little naïve._

_i don't want to tell you i love you, because you deserve to know the truth. i do love you, nick. but i don't love you in the way i needed to, for this to work._

_i did, once. i'm not sure when i stopped. i'm not sure if you ever did._

~~_i lov_ _e_ _you_ ~~

_i'm sorry, i really am. i hope that you realise that this was for the best, one day._

_and maybe it was inevitable._

_if it was, nick, thank you. for being my mistake._

~~_yours,_ ~~

_clay_


End file.
